Fallin' Down

Some times I question myself on why I put myself into rough positions where I feel like I am not being given the same interest or attraction that I give the female that I am talking to. I have been in this boat before; the feeling of knowing what you feel for that person can easily be dissolved is nothing new to me. I'm used to them picking up and running away for whatever reason. If I do something that is totally outlandish and cannot be forgiven, then I think I deserve to find that out from them rather than the typical "I'll just stop calling and ignore all of his attempts to talk to me" approach that most of them have done.

I have come of age in the past few years; I have realized that I am a selfish person, but when it comes to the one I am dating seriously, I give a lot more than I receive. In one instance, this is not true, but I can say that for the majority of the serious interactions with women that I have had I felt like I was not receiving the same attempts in communication like I gave them.

I think that my mother was right months ago when she said that I had an old soul and that talking to these girls my age would be a challenge for me because they were not of the same mind frame or mental plateau whatsoever. She concluded her viable advice by stating that an older woman would be the best way for me to go; I'm starting to think that Mom was right.

Independent Musically Minded...I Am Meant For This.

I've been a little busy lately trying to figure out what it is entirely I am going to do in the next year, and I have come to the conclusion that I am meant to do something with music. Not even on the musically side of the spectrum, but more or less, on the management, marketing, or public relations side of the business. I am learning that from meeting different artists, DJ's, and producers in the music business from interning with the underground hip-hop group, Zion I that I have the potential to do fairly well in this business. I don't think that I would be able to work in any other industry other than music because this is what drives me to do certain things throughout my daily routines of my life. Only at the age of twenty-three, I am learning that I have a much more different mind state than my peers that share the same age group as I do (ages-19-25) whose highlight of the week for the most part is wallowing in local dive bars at the financial expenses of their parent's credit cards. You know, that age when you are pretty much out of college, and are trying to figure out what the hell it is that you exactly want to do in your life. That indifferent part of one's life when they choose whether to grow through (what I like to call) "grown child syndrome" or to take the big chance in actually doing what is inevitable, growing up. School seems to be the major element that I need to finish in the next few months. But, I have realized that through the many blessings that have been given to me by God that I am meant to be a force within this industry of music.

God, please just grant me the strength and vision to progress in the industry; I will need it.

Journal Entry Vingt-Huit (28)

I recently haven't written much because writing to me comes in spurts; sometimes I write everyday in a week's time and others I can go weeks without even writing a word. I try to stay writing at least something (even if it's only 2 lines) a day to keep my writing style fresh and persistent. There's nothing more satisfying to me than knowing that someone is feeling what I am writing about in particular blogs, poetry, etc. Just to know that someone gave a shit enough to take the time out of their lives to read what I have to say is a true blessing to me, and I want to thank all of you that read my blogs from time to time to see me progressing as a human being.

I have came a long way from writing poems in the most bitter mind state for the world to see to writing in more profound ways. I am no longer at a crossroads in my life to whether I am trying to figure out what route to take; I am content with my life at this point in time. I am thankful to live life without any of the health issues that some people I know have come across over the years. Here I was complaining about not having the money to buy shit I really don't need when on Friday I seen an old baseball mate of mine from the little league days paralyzed in a wheelchair, and I realized that I have nothing in the world to complain about. I am able to walk and breathe freely as I please; that is more than a blessing enough for me.

Instead of Going Out

I am slowly creeping upon my 100th blog entry; it should be published by the end of October with the writing style I have. As you can see, I can easily one week write 3 to 4 entries, then go a whole week without writing another entry. Writing these blogs comes to me in spurts. Sometimes I feel like I need to write everyday one week, and some weeks I don't feel like writing at all.

There is nothing specifically that I have the vigor to write about in this entry. I guess you can label this one as another one of my "freestyles." Life in general right now has eased up a bit from the cobwebs of stress that I felt a month previously. It was an absolute hard transition to go from being a dependent living in another's house partying all the time to having to become independent and realizing that financially partying 3 times a week is not the best investment. As much as I liked going out at the frequency of 3 times a week, it was a becoming a habit. Spending excessive amounts of my money at night clubs and bars here in the San Francisco Bay Area was weighing down on me a bit. Not so much because of the stability of my business venture, but I was burning a great deal of my profit in the nightlife scene. Think about it:

Typical Night Expenses
a) Gas - $45
b) Bar/Club Cover Charge - $15
c) Drinking Expense - $15
+d) Late-Night Snack - $6

Average Total - $81

After doing this calculation of expenses from how I usually spend my money whenever I go out, it really doesn't seem likely that I will be going out but once a month anymore. The most ridiculous expense of them all is the cover charge for a bar or club. There are bars and clubs as cheap as $5 to even very expensive ones that can cost you $25 just to get in. On average, a mixed alcoholic beverage at most bars/clubs will range from $7-12. Most people when can drink from a range of 2-4 drinks in one night. Whether you're taking it easy at the bar that night or if you're going to party your ass off, you will check in your pockets the next day and realize a substantial amount of your money is no longer there. I mean, I love going out for the atmosphere and to meet new women, but damn, if it costs me on average $81 to when I go out then why the hell am I going out in the first place?!