Lonely People

It's been a truly long time since I sat here at this desk and typed away at my feelings. I felt like it was only fitting on this beautiful Sunday that I write something that was on my heart and my mind. In the past two months, I have been spending a lot of time alone reflecting on my past behavior and interactions with other human beings. I have learned that I pride myself a lot on my bluntness; I have also learned that with the truthful things I speak of, they hurt people immensely. I have learned that the reason for my many collegiate years of drunken nights and sleepless days were equated to my loneliness. We all go out looking for something that we essentially know is not there in the local dive bars amongst other lonely people. We get completely drunk and high, and act obnoxiously like we are truly having fun to wake up in the morning drained and feeling even more alone than the night before. I have realized this in the past three months; I will continue to go out on weekends, but I will not make a complete ass out of myself like I have in the past. I will leave you with this lyric from a song called "Young Shields" which speaks of our generation's neurosis...

We drink too much and fuck too soon
Smoke cigarettes in rented rooms
We quit our jobs and shoot the Moon
We cut our wrists and sleep 'til noon...

Throwin' My Money

We all have these things that are going on with us that we do not even tell the closest people around us. There are things that my parents do not know about me; there are things that my inner circle of friends do not know about me as well. I have struggled in this past sixteen months of being out of college (yes...out of college) emotionally, physically, and definitely financially.

Emotionally I have fought with the struggle of wondering my own self-worth. I have found myself beating myself up and falling apart to the brinks of breaking down at my loneliest points. There's nothing more disturbing and eerie than looking at the person in the mirror and not noticing who that person truly is. I have scraped, clawed, and fought my own self to figure out what it is that I truly would like to do with my life. Being out of college for this past sixteen months has been a truly hard task for me to realize since it was more of a comfort zone for me. To go from being in college, living on campus and not having a care in the world other than "Damn...did I pass that Sociology exam?" to now "Damn...how the hell am I going to come up with this rent money?" was been a true struggle for me. But, I have come to grips with dealing with growing up.

Physically I have changed tremendously in the past sixteen months. Living on campus, we were subjected to eating disgusting food that was full of preservatives. As soon as you would digest it, it would be gone. So from the five years of undergraduate study living on campus, I lost a tremendous amount of body fat. I was a lot leaner on campus. I came back home in May 2007 and I remember by July 2007, I had gained ten pounds. Now, it is September of 2008, and I know that for sure I have gained 25 to 30 pounds since I have been home! My diet was been pretty fucked up since I have been home. The late-night bar binges and ten P.M. trips to the local taqueria to get a carne asada burrito definitely was starting to show. I worked out five times a week at college, and ate five meals a day. My metabolism was sky-high, but let's remember, I was on the meal plan so I didn't have to pay for groceries really. I came home broke as hell, and the majority of my diet was the dollar-menu at fast food spots. Hence, came the weight gain! I have started back in the gym and the weight is starting to come back off again. Thank God!

Financially was become the biggest hurdle for me to conquer in the past sixteen months. Last August, I had sold my whole inventory from wholesaling to move into my place with my roommates. After about two months, I realized that the whole roommate situation would not work out for me. I should have learned that in college. I was spending 300-400 dollars a month on gas from commuting a 60 mile round trip to and fro everyday. I was out of business for about 3 months without any kind of solid income and it was definitely a rough time for me. I started my wholesale business back up in November last year and the money started to become a lot more steady. Then, the rent started to get extremely hectic. I had fallen behind on paying the rent a few times before I decided to move out of the house with the roommates and moved into my own place (where I am living at now) last year. I have been here almost two months now; finances are still getting my ass, but it is a lot easier minus the $400 monthly gas bill!

With all of this written, I have come to realize that my finances have been the hardest thing for me to juggle this past sixteen months of independence. I have been living "the rock star life." Partying 3 times a week, buying clothes and shoes very frequently, and traveling have all been a part of this "rock star life." I have been going through my second childhood with buying all these clothes and shoes as of late. I enjoy looking and dressing well, but I need to find a balance between want and necessity. I am now twenty-four (as of last Monday the 22nd), and it is time to take my mutual funds and invest more for a expotential gain of funds. I plan to retire by fourty-five (YES...45 years of age!).

We're Building

The more and more I think about the transitions of life that I have gone through this year; it leads me back to referring to the process I like to call, "The seasons of life." Since January, I have had the dramatic changes of a cold and stubborn heart (winter) to the flowering blossoms of joy and brand new life (spring). The summer with its harsh humid weather that is parallel to a person's stress. I don't think that I explained it too well, but I think that you should get my gist.

I am truly blessed; I am in a position right now in my life to do everything I would possibly want to do. I had said to an acquaintance of mine months ago that we were building a foundation of something substantial, I realized months later that the only foundation I was building upon was on my business venture, social life, and spirituality with God. I am thankful to God that I have the strength to carry on with whatever hardship and stress is thrown my way. I know that a tremendous amount of people on this Earth do not have the gull or better yet the "balls" to swallow their pride and take every life lesson of hardship, pain, and anguish as a strength training exercise for the mind. I have always seen the stresses and pain of life as a work out for the mind. You feel a strain in your mind when you become stressed and you feel weak and powerless then drained from this stress. But, just as the work out at the gym when you lift weights, days later, the soreness (stress) disappears. You become stronger.

The seasons of life that we all go through are meant to teach us about ourselves in some sort of way and fashion. You just have to know when you are leaving one season of your life and moving into the next. Take the strength that you now have from the harsh hot weather of Summer, the deadening of leaves of Spring, or even the blasts of cold of Winter and build upon them. Strength can only be gained from the pain a human being goes through. There is no strength or progress without pain and anguish. Just know that we're building.

The Daddy Complex

Now, I could easily sit here and write a hate poem for you to break, but what would I gain in this action? I would gain absolutely nothing from this; I have learned that time and time again that I have been kidding myself to think that a person with a much elevated conscious thought process (such as myself) could interact and possibly "build" anything substantial with one of a truly brainwashed and feeble mind. The efforts to teach the feeble minds (esp. in dating) are extremely parasitic and the smell of a decaying eroding relationship becomes poignant beyond repair. I have disassociated myself with the feeble minds because I feel like most of my peers (from 21 to 24) are feeble minded and have no sense of logic. The ideal that the world revolves around them is an important tool and mission that these feeble minds live by. The creed of extreme selfishness and ignorance is what helps these ignorant and juvenile creatures live and breathe on to another day.

Believing that the world revolves around their feelings and their self is what causes them to be so easily selfish when they are dealing with one (like myself) of an old soul and eclectic nature. I have learned in the past relationship with a feeble mind that I have been kidding myself all along that I can talk to a "princess." You know...the "princess" is the woman (well, better yet girl) who lives in her mid-twenties with the mental capacity of a adolescent pre-teen. The "princess" would be the female that never truly grew up because Mommy always paid for her living expenses. Basically, the "princess" would fuck things up in her own personal and financial life and the first person she would call to clean up her shit would be Mommy. In a lot of ways, the "princess" would be not even good enough to be called child-like, but have the same parallels of an infant. This "princess" would take a shit on their self and expect Mommy to come clean up their mess.

When dealing with the feeble mind that only have Mommy around and no Daddy, you must realize that if their family babied them their whole life (even through their mid-20s) that the "princess" would expect you to spoil her as well. "The Daddy Complex" is what I like to call it when the "princess" has something extremely dramatic happen to them at an early age where they have a mental block of this account even eleven years after it occurred. They start to date older man that are submissive and "Daddy-like," and the "princess" whines just like a 14 year old girl to get her way with them. Now, if you are of sound mind and consciousness, you will not tolerate a female that is even older than you that bitches and whines like a kid. The "princess" is enthralled by your presence of being something that most people cannot be--blunt.

When the feeble minded "princess" finds someone anew, do not be mad. You must know that a conscious mind cannot communicate with a feeble mind because feeble minds are meant to be subordinate. The "princess" is meant to be insecure within herself enough to not realize what damage she does to the one she dates "seriously," and begins another venture with another fellow. You must know that if a "princess" is feeble-minded and already has an extremely huge block from their 14 year old years that completes her "Daddy Complex," she will eventually find someone that is just as feeble minded and subordinate as her to kiss her ass and tell her she's far greater than what she really is and ever will be.

Fallin' Down

Some times I question myself on why I put myself into rough positions where I feel like I am not being given the same interest or attraction that I give the female that I am talking to. I have been in this boat before; the feeling of knowing what you feel for that person can easily be dissolved is nothing new to me. I'm used to them picking up and running away for whatever reason. If I do something that is totally outlandish and cannot be forgiven, then I think I deserve to find that out from them rather than the typical "I'll just stop calling and ignore all of his attempts to talk to me" approach that most of them have done.

I have come of age in the past few years; I have realized that I am a selfish person, but when it comes to the one I am dating seriously, I give a lot more than I receive. In one instance, this is not true, but I can say that for the majority of the serious interactions with women that I have had I felt like I was not receiving the same attempts in communication like I gave them.

I think that my mother was right months ago when she said that I had an old soul and that talking to these girls my age would be a challenge for me because they were not of the same mind frame or mental plateau whatsoever. She concluded her viable advice by stating that an older woman would be the best way for me to go; I'm starting to think that Mom was right.

Friend or Stranger?

A friend of mine sent me the new Carps E.P. and damn....it has been on ever since Monday night. I cannot get over how much they are impressing me with every new release that they put out.

As for this blog, I do not really have a muse; there is nothing that is truly bothering me. I am at a mind state right now in nirvana. A simple place of euphoric elements is what I am feeling right now. It is great that I finally am moving out of my place with my roommate to finally have my own place. The freedom to do what I want, when I want and not have to hear any lip from anyone will be a great feeling indeed. I have thought very intensively about the things in my life that have come to dust as of late and I do not have the same feeling of sorrow or loss like I once had before for years in the past. I would normally feel extremely hurt and often ponder on things and people that were not worthy of my train of thought in the first place. Crying over spilled milk is a thing of the past; it had become a personal trait of mine all too often. It had become a part of my daily make-up as a person, and it seems to have evaporated from my personal and daily life.

Is a friend somewhat that you have to contact more often than they do you; is a friend someone that talks to you when it is only acceptable on their time? Is a friend someone that expects you to be the one to carry a conversation; is a friend a person that is nonchalant in their demeanor when you are dead serious about something? Is a friend someone that you speak to quite often then disappears for days at a time; is a friend someone that hides behind their smiles, jeers, and jokes? Exactly...that's not a friend at all; it's a stranger.

Independent Musically Minded...I Am Meant For This.

I've been a little busy lately trying to figure out what it is entirely I am going to do in the next year, and I have come to the conclusion that I am meant to do something with music. Not even on the musically side of the spectrum, but more or less, on the management, marketing, or public relations side of the business. I am learning that from meeting different artists, DJ's, and producers in the music business from interning with the underground hip-hop group, Zion I that I have the potential to do fairly well in this business. I don't think that I would be able to work in any other industry other than music because this is what drives me to do certain things throughout my daily routines of my life. Only at the age of twenty-three, I am learning that I have a much more different mind state than my peers that share the same age group as I do (ages-19-25) whose highlight of the week for the most part is wallowing in local dive bars at the financial expenses of their parent's credit cards. You know, that age when you are pretty much out of college, and are trying to figure out what the hell it is that you exactly want to do in your life. That indifferent part of one's life when they choose whether to grow through (what I like to call) "grown child syndrome" or to take the big chance in actually doing what is inevitable, growing up. School seems to be the major element that I need to finish in the next few months. But, I have realized that through the many blessings that have been given to me by God that I am meant to be a force within this industry of music.

God, please just grant me the strength and vision to progress in the industry; I will need it.

Wearing Hella Hats.

So...I didn't get the online moderator job for Meez.com. It pissed me off yesterday morning, but soon after receiving the bad news, I got over it. I am moving into my place possibly tomorrow or Saturday. The online moderator job for Meez.com only included moderating the forums. Basically, I would make sure that the teenage kids wouldn't put any porn on the forums, or start stupid threads on the forum. And the best part is that I would be able to do this job from the comfort of my home! Getting paid for this...a dream! But, I didn't get it. I have an interview today with another "online community," so let's hope that it pays as well and can be done from home as well.

I start school on Monday; I am rather ready for it to start so I can graduate! To graduate and move onto bigger and better things. I have an article that I have published in my local newspaper, "East Palo Alto Daily News" on gentrification. In fact, it was a blog that I wrote a while back that I submitted to be published. I will continue to try to freelance write for as many publications as possible in order to add more and more things to my resume. I think that by this time next year (Lord say the same) I will have a wide range of things to put on my resume.

At this point in my life:
1) I am interning for one of my favorite hip hop groups, Zion I.
2) I write for my local newspaper, "East Palo Alto Daily News."
3) I write club and venue reviews for NiteVibe.com.

Possibilities in the Near Future (like next week):
1) Online Community Moderator (Limbo.com)
2) Writing Internship (Vintage Auto Racing Magazine)

I am blessed.

It's alright

I write this to the make it extremely evident that I am falling through these verbal mouse traps of games with this female in particular. This is for the two women in the world still living and breathing that have been nothing but leeches in sucking the very blood from my body and feelings. The two women whom seem to have nothing to do better but judge and exploit my insecurities upon their belligerence. The two women that have nothing better to do than make themselves extremely vulnerable to my belligerence by showing me how cold they are to being cared for by a man. The two women that have refreshed my memory of how some women that I have encountered when they have the opportunity to love and care for a man and realizing that man begins to care for them as well will begin to desensitize themselves to that man. The two women that begin to realize that they care for that man cut themselves short of the feelings and possible future pains and aches by becoming cold and detached. Detaching themselves from that man so they don't have to feel.

...I write bombs with ink blots...(Freestyle Numero Vingt-Neuf) 28

Sometimes I sit at this desk and I have nothing to write about at the time of my writing's conception, but it is almost instantaneously that a topic seems to pop into my mind when I began to type. I am going to consider this blog a freestyle; there will be no formal structure to this writing. Sometimes, writing exercises such as this help to shape a writer's imagination and thinking process for their future writings. I was taught that writing freestyle everything that comes to your mind at the time was a great way to bring out everything that you wanted to say for the past couple of days that just didn't seem to come out in words or even text. When you write something that is extremely formal, you have to make sure that you are writing something that is ultimately perfect and flawless as can be. When a person writes something formally, they stop to think of what they should and shouldn't write. Writer restricts themselves when they write formal things such as articles, essay, etc.

Other than writing these blogs about two to three times a week on average, I also keep a notebook of poems and a journal that I write in quite frequently. Generally when I write my blogs, I try to think out a topic to write about that will make sense to most people, but when I write in my journal and book of poems, I could careless if I have misspellings or poor grammar. I guess this will be considered the first time that I published one of my blogs without any particular format or even a structure. Oh, well!

I will be back at home in California for good on the 18th of this month! Thank God! I haven't seen a palm tree or a beach since January! More importantly, I haven't seen any of my friends or family since January! But, with the grace of God, I pray that I will at least get to see all of them at least one more time.

Oh, yeah! I'm not coming back to this college; I'm transferring to Menlo College back home in the Bay Area in California!

She's a sexy little goddess, fashionably modest...
-Atmosphere

There are many reasons why it is hard for me to trust anyone. Even with the people in my family, I give them "half-assed" trust (if you know what I mean). It's always been a struggle for me to trust anyone (especially family) after realizing at the age of seventeen that the unthinkable can definitely become a reality with some of your closest people in your life. I have learned that I can trust only two people in my life: God and myself.

The only trust you have at the end of the day is within yourself and your God. You can not trust that any other human being will be there for you at your weakest state of mind or body. It's an act of self-preservation. It's hard not to take it personally; it's in our genetics to preserve one's self before others. There are particular individuals that will put another above their self in certain aspects or events through the train wreck of life, but in times of integral importance, they will put their self before anyone else.

In the beds we lay at night waiting to fall asleep alone; we all wish that we had another human being that we could put our imperforate trust in. But, it's not possible.