Nirvana: The State of Not Wanting

What if I told you that I spent this entire weekend in my apartment with my girlfriend and it did not get old at all? This complete weekend...a complete forty-eight hours was spent in my apartment watching movies. The state of nirvana had definitely set in; this whole past week was very stressful (professionally and financially). But, after spending this very simple weekend of just lounging around the apartment with her, everything seemed alright. She had brought to my attention that I would be going through some sort of breakup almost a week and a half ago from reading a horoscope, but at the time I had no idea what kind of a breakup. It was last Monday, I realized that it would be with a now former client of mine. It's funny; I never really believed in horoscopes too much. The ironic thing of the "breakup" coming true. Last week is now in the past; I look forward to the what's ahead for me this week. It has officially been twenty days of no liquor; the detox is coming along fine. I think the stresses of last week had me wanting to indulge in a drink, but I'm glad I did not. The thirty days of no liquor is almost over; I think I might stretch it out longer. We shall see...

No Liquor For Thirty Days

I'm not going to drink any alcohol for thirty days to maximize the results of my training; the last time I did this, I seen a extremely significant drop in my body fat percentage. Looks like there is going to be a lot of bootleg movie nights for the month of June.

...and it's draining....

I woke up this morning and still had the remaining signs of stress and hurt from last night, but rather than loathing around in sadness I decided to hit the gym. I have noticed that every time that I train or work out, whatever is going on with me evaporates from my mind and body. Sometimes, you can truly think you are doing your best to better the communication levels with someone, then you realize that some people will never change their views. I usually am so belligerent and so uncaring of others' ideas, truths or opinions, but at this point in my life, there is no need for beating around the bush. There is no need for me to apologize to someone when in the first place; I was not wrong.

At the end of the day, you will do what you want to do, and there is nothing I can do about that. I can only hope that one day you will realize that I chose to change the darkest element of me, my belligerence to try and better this situation. But, in return, I got nothing but negative differences between me and your others in the past and was completely insulted. Maybe, my friend, Keisha was right; maybe you do need some alone time. But, I do thank you for bringing me back to my senses; I thank you for bringing me back to the one thing that releases all of my pain, anguish, and stress, my writing. For so long I have neglected my gift; I am back with you, old friend. I am back to writing. Thank you for reminding me of this.

80 Degrees in February

I love the fact of how I have my AC on in February in Los Angeles. It was 78 degrees here today...in February! I remember walking through snow in 20 degree weather across a desolate college campus for fifteen minutes while blistering winds jabbed me in the face. Now, I live in Los Angeles where there's really only two seasons, Spring & Summer. I have friends that are stuck in the Midwest and on the East Coast that are dealing with snow while I'm in California wearing shorts completely comfortable. It's hard to believe that we share the same country with such totally different climates.

9 Months Later...

This is a VLog I did back in April of this year ,a month after my Uncle Roger got killed by a drunk driver. I had taken a writing hiatus, but I did realize that I was stating everything that I wanted to say through my VLogs I recorded on Facebook.

Lust For Life

I never expected to ever move to Los Angeles; I remember two years ago in college in Maryland and damning the southern portion of my home-state for the few materialistic people I met on campus. I moved here in July, and I have now been here five months. The first few months I was here, I was in awe of how "cool" it was. In the past two months, I realized how all of this Hollywood bullshit can literally drain you. I have come to grips in the past two months that I truly cannot be happy here; I will say that being here has been an experience that I definitely needed.

I remember in college I had the sense of pride and consciousness for life and learning more about the world at large (one of my favorite phrases back then). I remember I used to sit and write journal entries, essays, blogs, manifestos, and poems, and get that sense of excitement and lust for life. I must say that in the past two years, I have not been writing hardly as much as I used to. I found myself going back to reading some of my old entries from years past and seeing the kind of man I was in 2006 and 2007. I miss that person. Somewhere along the way, I let this music business that I have ventured into tarnish my one true God-given gift, my writing ability. I let the bullshit of going out on drunken nights to $5 dollar bill shows amongst the drunks and whores blind me from my one truth medium that speaks through me completely, my writing. I let the arrogance of being behind a simple velvet rope in VIP watching my clientele and even other musical artists perform outshine the one true burning desire that is within me, my writing.

I will continue to put up blogs with music, but from now on, I will go back to my original format for creating this blog in the first place. I will go back to using this blog as my journal; I will revert back to using this website as a place for my pains, anguish, joy, and happiness of my 25-year-old life. I am coming back into the sense of my true self.

God, I'm still so thanksful

Foundation Is Built.

People! Let's look at all of the recent developments of shit that has occurred in the past year since I came back from college. Internship with Zion-I...first article published...moved into my own place...established uNCovered 3rd as a public relations firm...began getting published every other week...Spin Mag...HipHopRemix.com...HipHopDX.com...SF Weekly...etc. I have done a lot of shit in the past year professionally. But, finishing college was not one of those things that was on my mind as importantly as my other endeavors. Buckling down and finishing this long ass haul of crap they like to call "college" is something I have realized to be truly important to my mother more or less than it has been to me. She's busted her ass working at this 9 to 5 plantation job for the past 20 years to get me into college just to see me walk across that stage with a degree in my hand. I need to finish this crap more or less for her.

I have met a lot of people through networking throughout the music business I have engaged myself into. I have had many doors open for me in the past year, and some I have been reluctant to open based on experience. I am gaining more and more experience through uNCovered 3rd as a business through working and doing projects for HipHopRemix.com, Connoisseur533.com, and a numerous amount of artists that I have interviewed over the past few months. I have been published over 50 times since January, and I only plan to gain more publishing of my articles, manifestos, and interviews over the next few months as well. We are gearing to make a big difference in the way public relations is done in the music business over the next year. I have recently picked up another client to add to the clientèle list that is slated to perform at the MTV Video Music Awards in a few months. Things are looking up.

Just remember...we're buildin.

We're Building

The more and more I think about the transitions of life that I have gone through this year; it leads me back to referring to the process I like to call, "The seasons of life." Since January, I have had the dramatic changes of a cold and stubborn heart (winter) to the flowering blossoms of joy and brand new life (spring). The summer with its harsh humid weather that is parallel to a person's stress. I don't think that I explained it too well, but I think that you should get my gist.

I am truly blessed; I am in a position right now in my life to do everything I would possibly want to do. I had said to an acquaintance of mine months ago that we were building a foundation of something substantial, I realized months later that the only foundation I was building upon was on my business venture, social life, and spirituality with God. I am thankful to God that I have the strength to carry on with whatever hardship and stress is thrown my way. I know that a tremendous amount of people on this Earth do not have the gull or better yet the "balls" to swallow their pride and take every life lesson of hardship, pain, and anguish as a strength training exercise for the mind. I have always seen the stresses and pain of life as a work out for the mind. You feel a strain in your mind when you become stressed and you feel weak and powerless then drained from this stress. But, just as the work out at the gym when you lift weights, days later, the soreness (stress) disappears. You become stronger.

The seasons of life that we all go through are meant to teach us about ourselves in some sort of way and fashion. You just have to know when you are leaving one season of your life and moving into the next. Take the strength that you now have from the harsh hot weather of Summer, the deadening of leaves of Spring, or even the blasts of cold of Winter and build upon them. Strength can only be gained from the pain a human being goes through. There is no strength or progress without pain and anguish. Just know that we're building.

Journal Entry Vingt-Huit (28)

I recently haven't written much because writing to me comes in spurts; sometimes I write everyday in a week's time and others I can go weeks without even writing a word. I try to stay writing at least something (even if it's only 2 lines) a day to keep my writing style fresh and persistent. There's nothing more satisfying to me than knowing that someone is feeling what I am writing about in particular blogs, poetry, etc. Just to know that someone gave a shit enough to take the time out of their lives to read what I have to say is a true blessing to me, and I want to thank all of you that read my blogs from time to time to see me progressing as a human being.

I have came a long way from writing poems in the most bitter mind state for the world to see to writing in more profound ways. I am no longer at a crossroads in my life to whether I am trying to figure out what route to take; I am content with my life at this point in time. I am thankful to live life without any of the health issues that some people I know have come across over the years. Here I was complaining about not having the money to buy shit I really don't need when on Friday I seen an old baseball mate of mine from the little league days paralyzed in a wheelchair, and I realized that I have nothing in the world to complain about. I am able to walk and breathe freely as I please; that is more than a blessing enough for me.

Music

It's easy to misjudge someone based on the things or events in their life that they have been through. It's funny how something like musical taste can define the events and things a human being has been through. By this correlation, people generally tend to choose music that defines their feelings towards the past and current events that have/are going on in their lives. For example, I love hardcore rock for the basis of its abrasive yet true lyrical content. Most of the hardcore rock (or rock in general) is laden with lyrics of introspection, renunciation and even abdication. The general age of the bands that I listen to are within my age range of 18-30 years old therefore it is a bit analeptic to know that there are people that feel the same way I do. It is reassuring that there are people in this world that can have the strength to display all of their insecurities for the world to see through the medium of music and not feel a sense of self-mutilation while doing so. I tend to pick music that I can most relate to; as do you. Yes, the brunt of my musical taste is music that is absorbed with lyrics of disservice and slovenliness and with heavily maniacal guitar and percussion play, but it helps define bits of me.


Thursday


Circle Takes The Square


As Cities Burn

...I'm 22, I'll finish college in Yemen if I want to.

There's nothing worse than being doubted by family that you won't be able to finish something like college by transferring closer to home to finish. I have been in college since the Fall of 2003 and I have already had to take a semester off which was the hardest thing for me to ever do academically. For them to sit there and criticize me for wanting to finish my last year to two years of college here at home at Menlo College and tell me stupid shit like to finish somewhere like L.A. is ridiculous! I am 22 years old and if I want to finish my last few semesters of college in Alaska I will do so! My mother is the only one paying my tuition and it's just ironic how my dad's side of the family (who is paying nothing for me academically) feels like they can tell me where and when I can finish school. It would be one thing if my father and grandmother were actually paying for some sort of fee or even my books, but for them to sit there and critique me and try to wish for my downfall by coming home to finish college is absurd. But, like any other family member, they will be at my graduation proclaiming that they knew I could finish regardless of the college's address.

Like I told my grandmother last night, I will finish college here and I could careless if they want me to finish at a piece of shit college in Maryland to which they know nothing about. I am 22 years old; I am not 13! Maybe one day they will realize that before it's too late.

It's alright

I write this to the make it extremely evident that I am falling through these verbal mouse traps of games with this female in particular. This is for the two women in the world still living and breathing that have been nothing but leeches in sucking the very blood from my body and feelings. The two women whom seem to have nothing to do better but judge and exploit my insecurities upon their belligerence. The two women that have nothing better to do than make themselves extremely vulnerable to my belligerence by showing me how cold they are to being cared for by a man. The two women that have refreshed my memory of how some women that I have encountered when they have the opportunity to love and care for a man and realizing that man begins to care for them as well will begin to desensitize themselves to that man. The two women that begin to realize that they care for that man cut themselves short of the feelings and possible future pains and aches by becoming cold and detached. Detaching themselves from that man so they don't have to feel.

...this is what it sounds like when doves cry die

10:33 PM
i sit here
at this laptop
and i ask myself what does it feel like to die
what does it feel like to watch someone cry
the night their mom, dad, brother, and sister died
i fell yet and split my lip the gist to get by
realized in the moonlight that you wished i would die
forgive me if you must for i gust out one last sigh
you watched my autodafe at the stake burned to a crisp, walk on by
another bitch in the proverbs of my notebook as i let my pen cry
and this is what it sounds like when doves die.

A Simple Writing

I am here sitting with this laptop on my lap tonight on this Friday watching my pirated copy of "300" playing on the television in the background completely bored. I have realized, well...I have had more of a "coming of age" lesson today. I have attained this meaning of human survival for one's feelings from an acquaintance of mine. It's not everyday that you get the opportunity to learn these little life lessons from the closest individuals to you (or so you may think). Neithertheless, I still sit here at this laptop typing away at the feelings of resentment and chagrin from a somewhat of a "friend." The quotes around the word "friend" for this person isn't and should not and shall not be considered a friend anymore. This person...well...I could easily say their name, but I am choosing not to be so malicious in my ways has no idea how close they were to coming a little closer to me.

But, as most of the other skeltons in the closet, she will probably fail and fall by the wayside as her predecessors was done before her. Why am I not even surprised? But, what can you do when a person doesn't see the things in you that you have seen within them? Do you just get up and walk out of the door of their life, or do you try to be a better friend than they were to you? I shall not consider you a "friend" anymore; you were never a friend of mine in the first place.

On a lighter note, I hope that everyone enjoys this weekend as I will. Tonight is chapter anew; goodbye for now.

Wonder What's Next

A major set of changes are headed my way in next few days when I get back home to California. Things aren't looking up for me at this point in time. I have my own routine now in trying to not care or even feel about what's around the corner. but, yet I can't help but to peek around the corner and wonder what's next. I have to find a way to pay rent once a month by July, and I also have to figure what I am going to do with my life once I get home for good. I don't feel very happy about being in Maryland at this college, and I had came to this conclusion months ago that I would just go back home to California to finish college, get my own place, and live independently. But, in essence, that is one hell of a scare for me! I don't know what the hell I am doing or where the hell I am going in life. My grades aren't the greatest from this semester, and I honestly don't think there's a bat's chance in hell that I will be accepted into this small liberal arts college in the Bay Area, Menlo College. Friends of mine that go to college at home, either live at home with their parents still comfortably, or have their own places. Usually, their parents are paying their rent monthly so that they can completely focus on obtaining their collegiate degrees. But, as for me, when I go home, I don't have a place I can call home. I don't have a room of my own to go to in my own home. I am jumping around constantly from one house to the other of family members. I can't stay at my mother's because there's just too much stress over there, and at my father's place, there's no space for me. I hope that going home isn't setting myself up for failure, but it feels that way.

I have been falling asleep as the 6AM Sun creeps through my apartment's generic blinds; I have been waking up to the midday Sun's blatant stare through my window. Already, I am an anchorite; I have fallen deeper in this state of mind where all is just so banausic and mundane. Nothing in my life seems to be going right; everything has fallen by the wayside. If this cliche wasn't at all worn-out and even more revolting to hear, nothing seems to have that luster or sheen of color. The fulgid glisten of the Earth's tone's (orange, blue, green, etc.) have been traded for my ephemeral colorblindness.

Suffocate me all you need, I won't breathe but it's o.k.
You'll be somewhere around me, and I won't need air.
-Armor For Sleep

If only things would change soon enough. If only the grays that have taken over my sight would be overcome with the ordinary beautiful hues of the world. What could cause such a dark and mundane moment in a twenty-two year old's life? The age when most are graduating from college and trying to find a balance in paying bills and their rent, but yet still longing for the semesters of years past when everyday was met with oblivion and carefree. Where did those days go?

Overstaying My Welcome

So I'm sitting here in the middle of my room watching my fingers race at this keyboard trying to understand why I am so uncertain with what I am to be doing with my life currently. Why does this thing called "college" seem like a big waste of time? I realize that receiving a degree would be a great accomplishment, but something in me just doesn't have the drive to want to finish. I think that maybe travelling over 3,000 miles to this college in the remote rural land of Maryland from the lively urban California is becoming more than displeasing. I have thought that maybe going back to California to complete my degree might be a great thing for me to do after I have realized that my graduation date has yet extended back another semester. It was projected for this December of this year of 2007, but it's looking more like May of 2008. I am already 22 years old and I feel like I am much too old to be here fraternizing with such young and puerile kids running about this campus, all hormone-raged and such. I was fine with being here at the age of 20, but now at this somewhat stale age of 22, the campus life thing is becoming a bit mundane and annoying. Getting drunk on the weekends for some sort of self-escapism from the bowels of this humdrum campus is getting a tad bit annoying.

Alas! There maybe is hope for me, yeah? Maybe if I sit here and attempt to search for some sort of solace within myself, I can find the driving factor that will give me the ambition to get the hell out of here. Yes! Now that would assuredly be great; yes, sir it would be nice.

I guess that grad school abroad will have to wait a few more semesters, yeah? It's okay; I need to prepare myself for what's beyond the Atlantic anyway.

Journal Entry Numero Quatre (4)

I guess sometimes it's better to leave even the closest friends (so you thought) dead in the back of your mind. I wish there was a way I could throw this old friend of mine out of my mind and bury the very thought of even knowing them in a garden far off from here. Sink this ship of bullshit that still attacks my mental waves of happiness. This ship of piracy that brings dark, damp catatrosphic waves and even a hurricane that attacks my mind. Like I wrote in my blog about my confessions, I can become parasitic, but I didn't realize that the "friend" stayed around because she couldn't figure out a way to let it go.

I guess that leaving when my cousin dies was perfect timing, but I truly know that wasn't your intent. You just seen it as a way to runaway from the fake friendship in the first place. It wasn't viable to keep you around; now this, I realize. It was more of a waste of time. I can't sit here and say I'm not sad that we couldn't be adults and look beyond the bullshit. but, like you said, our whole existence amongst each other was bullshit. I tried to be honest with this broad, but sometimes I tread that thin thread of honesty and bluntness. No one ever said that life was far. But, don't expect me to be happy for you, and say that things will be happy for me too. I don't want your pity.

Keep your "friends" (well, I guess not a friend at all) at a distance.

But anyways, on a lighter note, I will have a message board/forum up very soon. Give me about a week or so. I will have the site up. I hope that all of you reading this right now will take the time and get an account on the forum.

Thanks!

Journal Entry Numero 22

So you fucks wanna kick me outta school, huh? Well, I don't know what to tell you. I flew over 3,000 miles to get out here and I damn sure ain't flying back home without my B.A in Marketing. You can try all you want to scare me with this "registration" crap. But, I got a loan yesterday that I was approved for and ready to get assessed into my student account. But, oh, yeah...I might get put out of this college because it has to be completely paid by tomorrow, right? No worries. I will be blessed.

The Lord didn't bring me this far to leave me. I just want to graduate so that I can go to grad school overseas, meet a beautiful woman with an infectious accent, and try to shun out the masons before martial law begins.