Valentine's Day:

You people walk around with your cards, flowers, and teddy bears with open hearts and extra caring because of a specific red cliche of a day. You show your caring extra more for a person today than you do any other day of the year. Why can't you show that everyday instead of feeding into this red cliche shit?

This Time, I'm Sorry...

"Even though we don't get along, I still love you."
-"Even Though," The Living Legends

This lyric from this song defines what I am feeling for my ex girlfriend. Yea...yea..it was my fault that we broke up in the first place. On Saturday night, I was the drunken ex boyfriend-asshole. I called her drunk and was a little irritated that she wouldn't answer a few of my questions. I can't blame her for not answering me. The drunken college bastard of a ex flame I was seen. I don't know what it is about males, but it really bothers us to know that some other guy is in the picture (even with an ex-girlfriend). Maybe, it's the domineering attribute that us, all as males, carry with us. The jealousy factor of knowing that you aren't the last person she will fuck. It's a strange concept; that vision that all men get that someone else is fucking their ex. Now that's some crazy shit! That's the easiest way to fuck up a man's mind.

I don't even know where to go with this. It's a fucked up world. You choose the shit that looks great in appearance from a distance and drop the substantial. Then, you realize how even the most beautiful from afar can be what's not great for you. I didn't know what I had. I am sorry.

I'm Not Your Joe College.

"Take down these photographs, yellowed by years."
-"Carpenters," Mata Hari

I always seem to begin my blogs (or writings in general) with a lyric from a song that seemed to cross my mind at the time of the writing's conception. Topic, topic, TOPIC! Hmm...what shall I write about today? I have no idea what I am going to write about today, so let's call this blog a "freestyle." Whatever comes to my mind is exactly what I will be writing about today.


Confessions:

I would like to confess that I have been anything but an ideal young man that is in the college setting. I haven't been to one class within the past week and a half.

I can be parasitic at times. I have a truly bad temper. I take out all of my frustrations on the people that care about me the most. Through me taking out all of my stress and frustrations out on the closest people to me, they eventually get tired of my shit and leave me alone.

I cut people out of my life because I think I am doing the right thing. I just recently realized that not everyone is out to get me.

I think I have some of the symptoms of being manic depressive, but not completely. I don't know what that would fall under...maybe borderline, I guess. I guess, I would more or less be somewhat bipolar; yes, I do have sudden urges of anger then sadness.

I believe that I will never find anyone that will understand me completely and now I am content with knowing that. It used to bother me to the point of insanity and detachment; it doesn't so much anymore. I am thankful that I can't be read like a Dr. Seuss book.

I would rather be alone than be surrounded by people. I am a loner; I am a recluse. I don't feel the need to be around friends most of the time; I rather enjoy being alone the majority of the time.

My little brother, Jalen (a sibling of mine from the mother's current marriage) has been through more stress in his short six years on this Earth than I have been through in my twenty-two years here.

After my cousin, Prince passed away last month, I promised myself that I would live my life as unconventional as possible rather than follow the "rules" of the norm. If I one day want to get up and fly to Italy, I will do so. Tomorrow is not for certain. Why do we put fences around other selves on what we can do in a certain time frame when most of us may never get that chance to take the big plunge in the great beyond again? Why not just pack all of your things and get out of here if that's what you want to do. We worry too much about work and school than about why we are truly here; we are here to serve our Higher Being (whomever that is to you as an individual) and live as unconventional as possible. I think my purpose in life is to live a life to see as many things as possible before my dying moment rather than slave to the norms of society before taking time to adventure the world.

Back To You.

This weekend was a very blessed one, if I might say so myself. I had to get off of this Eastern Shore of Maryland, so I decided to go to Baltimore to see a few of my friends. The long three-hour Greyhound bus ride Friday night was definitely worth it. Being able to spend, enjoy, and live my life with friends; now that is the true essense of life. That moment of being with someone that you find intriguing and that also excites you; that is what life is made with. Those subliminal reasons for being around your friends because they bring out the best in you and you bring out the best in them; that is what I live for. That is why I am blessed. I thank God for seeing every waking moment when the Sun bursts through my blinds. That first breath of fresh air going through my nostrils and mouth and filling up my lungs; that's what I enjoy the most. We do things such as breathing automatically and take these things for granted. Walking being also one of these gifts that we take for granted as well. But, I pray that I never take these gifts for granted again.

Traveling that far to see friends a year earlier would've been the last thing on my mind. But, I am glad and blessed that my lifestyle is starting to evolve from the selfish young man that I was before into a more wise and spiritual young man. It's interesting and even ironic how even in the event of tragedy, I have found solace within myself to become a more thoughtful man. No longer the selfish kid (well...at times...baby steps...).

God, I'm so thankful!!

Journal Entry Numero 22

So you fucks wanna kick me outta school, huh? Well, I don't know what to tell you. I flew over 3,000 miles to get out here and I damn sure ain't flying back home without my B.A in Marketing. You can try all you want to scare me with this "registration" crap. But, I got a loan yesterday that I was approved for and ready to get assessed into my student account. But, oh, yeah...I might get put out of this college because it has to be completely paid by tomorrow, right? No worries. I will be blessed.

The Lord didn't bring me this far to leave me. I just want to graduate so that I can go to grad school overseas, meet a beautiful woman with an infectious accent, and try to shun out the masons before martial law begins.

Turn On The Bright Lights

The world at large from a glance is much more than what can be perceived on the surface; the world should be taken further beyond the beautiful weather, architecture, technological gadgetry, and landscape. The world at large should be seen beyond the warm glow of the Sun, quick breeze through the trees, and sunset painted over the horizon.
Sleepwalking is the one state that we have heard about for years that "few" people encounter in their lives. The state of being sleep but having the bodily functions of doing normal tasks that one would do while they are "awake." But, then I had a conversation with Steve (my uncle Roger's friend) this weekend about this. He questioned me on whether or not we all were sleepwalkers in a sense. It makes complete sense to question if we all are walking around this planet (so we think) quite aware of our surroundings or if we all could truly be asleep.

But, then I question you as the reader with this tidbit of curiousity, "Could we all truly be asleep to what's truly going on in the world at large and could we truly be dreaming this reality we consider to be life?" I am a Christian young man, so for me to ask this question most would label me as an Atheist or non-believer to even ask such a thing. But, in this world, it's the subjects, matters, and things that we don't question that might be the things that we really should be questioning in the first place.

I believe that there are four major arenas of mind control in this world: military, consumerism, politics and religions. I have this theory that in order to control a person, the person being controlled must be "half-a-moron." Most people need to be lead by some arena to consider what is right or wrong in their lives. This is where the four arenas of mind control or programming come into place. Most people are influenced greatly by either the military, consumerism, politics, or religion (Some people are influenced by all while others are influenced by maybe one of the arenas). We are thought to think differently in our lives when in reality to think differently is definitely shunned out by the masses.

Getting back to the arenas of mind control, here's a few examples:

Military-Most of the recruitment offices in this nation are primarily in lower class neighborhoods where generally the educational advantages do not reside like they do in middle and upper class cities. The poor Black, Latino, and Causaian male and woman are generally targeted for recruitment with the propaganda of receiving money for college and perks of traveling the world. Seeing the world and earning money for college being two things that can easily lure these young men and women into signing their lives onto a contract to be basically a slave for whatever projected amount of time they are to be enlisted. In the time that these young men/women are enlisted, they are sleep-deprived, and ordered around todo tendious things that can be mentally and physically stressful to any human being. The mind control of lurring these young men and women into signing their lives away into an organization that brands them as caddle and makes them believe doing what is best for one's country is a grand thing even if it means risking one's life.

Consumerism- The media has a way of keeping all of us under a very watchful eye. Targeting all of us into buying things that we really don't need and manipulating us into believing that spending excessive amounts of money on a particular object, article, or thing will make you feel better. For example, the Axe deodorant advertisements generally show an average looking male spraying a can of the product on himself and being adored by scandally-clad women...(subliminal message..."YOU TOO CAN HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ADORING YOU AS WELL...BUY AXE NOW!!!") They feed us all of this depressing bad news on TV to keep you sad and stressed out to then feed you with a iPod, Best Buy, BMW, Gap, etc advertisement to get you to go buy these things that will so-called make you feel better about yourself. The mind control of this arena is to keep those in check by startling them with bad news then appeasing them with consumer goods that they don't need to keep them ignorant to the world at large. As long as these material things are around, the world will stay ignorant.

Politics- We are given two major political genres to choose from in this country: Republican or Democrat. Why are we limited to just these two genres? Yes, there are other genres of political groups, but why are we limited to basically these two? I don't see how people don't see that labelling yourself to one thing is not a great thing at all! You labelling your as anything will cause you to believe that you are this label and also can cause you to do, act, speak, and believe in this label. You are putting yourself in a box by putting a political (or any) label on yourself.

Religion- I know a lot of people don't like to question religion, so I am going to make one remark about this one. We all do things everyday and don't question why we do so because we are taught that these are the right things to do. But, there is certain aspects of even my religion that I question.

The Labels of Thinking Differently:

If you think differently from the norm towards the military, you are un patriotic

If you think differently from the norm towards being a mass consumer like most people are, you are seen as weird or not cool

If you think differently from the norm politically, you are an anarchist

If you think differently from the norm religiously, you are an atheist.

If God gave us all minds to think for ourselves, why do so many people need these arenas of mental imprisonment to manipulate and think for them?

Theory of Self-Preservation

I haven't written anything since last Wednesday. We all know what happened the last time I wrote a blog...utter chaos in a matter of a few stanzas. I'm not going to apologize for writing the poem when I felt it was needed at the time. Some people you think will never do you any harm to you because you have known them for quite sometime are usually the ones that do you the most damage. It's now that I am realizing that people that you barely talk to (maybe an occasional once a month call or e-mail) are the people that you should be talking to more frequently.

I have learned this over the past week. I have looked at a few examples; one being a friend of mine that started an relationship with a guy she barely knew. She met this guy over the Internet. He flew over 2,000 miles to see her and now they are a couple. It's truly weird in most people's sight to see something like this be created amongst two individuals. But, now that I have realized this theory of those being the closest to you cause the most damage and those not so close should be the closest, I have come to the realization that knowing someone a lifetime means absolutely nothing. You can know someone for years, and they still will cause hurt, harm, or danger to you. It's sad, but it's a part of the human make-up. We all do things to benefit ourselves in the long run. Self-preservation as such. But, why is it the ones that you "know" very well (so, that you think) are usually the shadiest and most deceitful people that are around you? It's a bit sadistic for someone to find out everything about you damn near to just leave you at a drop of a dime. Quite interesting this is, but maybe this was my bad karma in return for what I did to my ex-girlfriend. Maybe it was.

Maybe we can be associates in another light; maybe we can.

Thanks.

Man, this shit is self-explanatory. I don't wanna make people think that I write these bitter and savage poems just because; I always have a muse for such bitter imagery. Thanks!

I tried to be the best friend I could be

Wondering and praying 1 day you would need me

A mistake I was seen

A mirror split screen image of your bluntness

Had no problem with dishin' out bricks at others

Why the fuck did I trust this?

This waste of sperm and female egg

Heart ripped open, you through me in a cave

Screamed out ghost songs of slaves

Before my corpus was found in three days

Insecurities covered by prestigious collegiate knowledge

And bitchy backtalk

I loved you for your "realness"

In this box I got locked

If you were here I would treat you

Like the Brit Barbie

Another fake bitch thrown in the Pacific

The games you played terrific

Love potion bein broken

You neglecting me after I found out my cousin died

That shit wasn't scripted

My heart you threw, pulled and ripped it

My smile, killed and ate it

Seven years after martial law

Your belligerence I will say I never forgave it

Hollywood couldn't sell an earthy bitch

The audiences couldn't crave it

Rather than realness

She chose ridin' dicks of "yes" men

Named Sundiata and David

Don't tell me you love me for the same reason

That you hate it

You told them to lick your ass and feed you bullshit of how great you are

And of course, the pussy niggas worshipped and obeyed it

Check everything I stated

My love for your selfishness I traded

I was too blunt and too belligerent

I never kissed your ass and I never said you were perfect

Another genocide in my heart, mind, body, and soul

You burn me down, incinerate it

While my heart you ravish and rape it

Autodafe you displayed it

You left me to destroy myself

While you walk off in the sunset

With 100 pussy niggas

Makin' the little Muslim insecure girl feel better about herself

Believing that her knowledge through books defines her self worth

Lyin' to you, they do saying that you are the greatest

Now you laugh off the catastrophe that you paved this

Now pay this.

Clean Up On Aisle 2.

Most women that I have encountered in my life "say" that they love the fact that I am blunt and have no problem with stating what is exactly on my mind. But, the more and more I have encountered variously different women in social status, race, religion, etc, I have noticed that fondness of my slight belligerence was all a bunch of shit. I have always had this saying that the world is built upon opposites; people will tell you exactly what they want you to hear and truly hate the kind of person you really are.

A friend of mine ("I'm so opinionated; I'm so blunt," she says about herself) indeed was no exception to the built upon opposites rule I proclaim. Stating that the main reason she enjoys my company is because I'm blunt, but then I realized that I was hated as well for my blunt demeanor. It's just interesting how women say they want a guy to be blunt, and really hate the fact of bluntness in their direction. Don't say you like my bluntness to turn around and lash out at me for stating the obvious. If you want a guy to kiss your ass, feed you bullshit, eat Bon Bon's and watch Lifetime with you; stick with the guys around you that share the same menstrual cycle.

Acceptance.

"Most of this garbage I write that these people seem to like is about you and how I let you infect my life."
-Slug (of Atmosphere)

It's been 8 days since I have posted a blog on here, and I has reminded by a dorky friend of mine that eventually my readers would grow restless without reading anything brand new from me. In the past seven days, I have had an extremely blessed week! My very small-time entity of a business did hella impressive numbers last Thursday, and my clientele list was grown tremendously over the past few weeks. Business is always a good thing; you must always stay grounded when your sales jump tremendously and hustle your ass off when things get a little rough. This leads me to today's topic....

Why do we drink and do drugs? I (for one) don't smoke or do any drugs, but then again, I do drink amongst friends. I don't necessarily know why I drink alcohol...HEY...maybe that's why. I drink because everyone else my age does so. During a young adult's collegiate time period is when most of the beer and alcohol binging begans. It's weird how I almost don't see myself as a conformist, but the irony of me drinking amongst friends for a subliminal acceptance.

Going out last night for New Year's Eve to San Francisco and seeing how we at this young age of twentysomething (the stage of life in between high school and the "real world" when you are most confused) are a lost generation. We are the most materialistic generation (with our iPods, HDTV's, etc.) and we love the idea of getting totally wasted. It's more of an acceptance to get completely intoxicated to degrading yourself to doing absolutely obnoxious antics (such as running down Embarcadero screaming at tourists). But, this is my generation. We love our booze and we love our ignorance. "Hell, I don't give a damn about what's going on in Iran; let's get wasted and play music on my brand new iPod." This quote that I just wrote reminds me of something an acquaintance of mine back on campus said when the ex-New York Yankee's leer jet crashed into a building in New York City earlier this Fall. She said, "Imagine if you were walking with your iPod on and seeing that plane crash into that building." And this leads back to my point, we are blinded by our technological gadgetry and by our legal drugs of alcohol and tobacco.

From seeing how obnoxious my friends and other people were acting under the influence of alcohol and other substances, I had the epiphany of not wanting to drink anymore. Asking myself repeatedly as I walked and they staggered down the waterfront of piers on a crisp night in San Francisco why I degrade and slowly kill myself with the demon in the bottle. "It's liquid cocaine," I told a friend earlier this afternoon. It's such a terrible and expensive habit that's making some sober man extremely rich as we kill ourselves slowly.