...and it's draining....

I woke up this morning and still had the remaining signs of stress and hurt from last night, but rather than loathing around in sadness I decided to hit the gym. I have noticed that every time that I train or work out, whatever is going on with me evaporates from my mind and body. Sometimes, you can truly think you are doing your best to better the communication levels with someone, then you realize that some people will never change their views. I usually am so belligerent and so uncaring of others' ideas, truths or opinions, but at this point in my life, there is no need for beating around the bush. There is no need for me to apologize to someone when in the first place; I was not wrong.

At the end of the day, you will do what you want to do, and there is nothing I can do about that. I can only hope that one day you will realize that I chose to change the darkest element of me, my belligerence to try and better this situation. But, in return, I got nothing but negative differences between me and your others in the past and was completely insulted. Maybe, my friend, Keisha was right; maybe you do need some alone time. But, I do thank you for bringing me back to my senses; I thank you for bringing me back to the one thing that releases all of my pain, anguish, and stress, my writing. For so long I have neglected my gift; I am back with you, old friend. I am back to writing. Thank you for reminding me of this.

Well, Isn't This Nice...

Sometimes I wish I could feel something more than this sense of loneliness and want; the true element of being alone at night rather bothers me. Today, I tried something that was basically outside of myself or character; I had a discussion with someone regarding a difference in opinion that we had. Normally, I would shut down their ideas and champion mine as the victor, but tonight, I listened and acknowledged their own truths. I was completely calm during this thirty-three minute disagreement, but yet, it seemed like yet of a role reversal towards the tail end of the spat. In all cases, I would be the one to stir up the pot by throwing insults to get a rise out of the person, but I was the one being fucked up this time. In this case on an average day or night, I would have fired back mental bricks to destroy their complete sense of self-worth but tonight I did not.

I questioned the person on if they were used to dealing with anyone like me and they said, "No" abruptly. I then began to ask them what was the difference between me and their past interactions with men. After about five minutes, I realized that everything they said was about my line of communication. Every difference that they said about me was negative. There was nothing in the differences that was a positive. It's quite a troubling feeling to hear someone you are involved with say that every difference between you and their skeletons in their closet have was not in your favor at all. But, yet, you were more of a social burden than a social pleasure.
I really do not think I am wrong for trying to better myself and communicate with this person in a calm manner; it's sad to think that every woman that I have dealt with can be as sweet with incredible laughs and smiles when they want to be, then be as cold as the others to prove a point with you. I get off the phone calmly, hurt. Now, it is midnight and it has been three hours since we got off the phone. I would think that I would get an apology for being offended, but I am not surprised. Well, isn't this nice....

The Honest Truth

Can you remember the last time you felt butterflies when you seen someone? Can you remember the last time you felt utterly comfortable with someone? Can you recall at any time in your life where you felt yourself sitting at the beach in a state of nirvana with another human being? We as human beings like to put deadlines and such on interactions with other people that we engage with everyday only to protect our hearts, minds, and spirits from being broken, shattered, and flung as if merely nothing. But, to put a time line on something with someone that you find yourself doing things for them that you would not normally do for anyone else you have dated before in the past does not make any sense. I sit here staring out of this window wondering if this is what I have been looking for all along. Normally, I had my guards up at a heavy defense, but for some odd reason, I feel no need to do such things with her.

The Mood Is About To Change

Recently, I have been going through a transition (physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually). The physical attribute of transition stems from my more intensive training in the gym. I was working out before, but now, I am taking my training a lot more intensely. The 5-day workout schedule with the 2-mile run (done daily), included with a circuit of supersets, and the change in my diet have been in transition over the past month. Results are definitely noticeable by now; I will continue to push my body physically to the levels of extreme athleticism which I once had in college. I'm a long way from running 3 miles 5 times a week like I did in college; I know soon I will be back at that again.

The elements of my mental and social connect together like corresponding shapes; I am generally a very quiet person in a crowd at large, but can be extremely brash with my words when spoken. I have engaged in many interactions with others lately, and I have realized that it's better to just let some individuals believe their own thoughts as right on things even when they are wrong. Two years ago, I had to have the last word in every argument. Now, I let the other person believe what they shall because at the end of the day (whether you prove them wrong or not), most people do not know how to admit when they are wrong. From this, I have become more nonchalant in my approach (as if I wasn't nonchalant enough as is).

I grew up in a Baptist church as a kid, and I would say it has been since the age of 21 or 22 years old since I stopped being religious. As I stated in a blog I wrote two years ago, I see religion as a form of control over a multitude. For me saying this, most people would blatantly call me an atheist. It's sad how in the world at large, if you do not pick between two groups (democrat/republican, a fan of this/a fan of that, etc.) people slate you as an outcast. I merely see church as being good for fellowship; I believe in God, not religion. Most people cannot decipher the difference between the two (God and religion). Spiritually, I am gaining a greater understanding of whom God is. God (to me) is the one true entity that allows life everyday. God is with me when I'm in a hardship; God is with me when I need someone to talk to. I have a spiritual relationship with God. I am not trying to belittle anyone for their own personal religious beliefs, but please, do remember that God gave you your own mind to think for yourself. I respect all people's beliefs on religion, God, and spirituality, but know that I have a stronger relationship with God than I do with any religion.

80 Degrees in February

I love the fact of how I have my AC on in February in Los Angeles. It was 78 degrees here today...in February! I remember walking through snow in 20 degree weather across a desolate college campus for fifteen minutes while blistering winds jabbed me in the face. Now, I live in Los Angeles where there's really only two seasons, Spring & Summer. I have friends that are stuck in the Midwest and on the East Coast that are dealing with snow while I'm in California wearing shorts completely comfortable. It's hard to believe that we share the same country with such totally different climates.

9 Months Later...

This is a VLog I did back in April of this year ,a month after my Uncle Roger got killed by a drunk driver. I had taken a writing hiatus, but I did realize that I was stating everything that I wanted to say through my VLogs I recorded on Facebook.

Dual Citizenship

London! I'm trying to come see you in February (Cleo, let's cross our fingers). I need to see the city that I have longed to see since I was a kid. For some random reason, I have forever wanted to see London, England more than anything. I do not know why. It has always been a passion of mine to go there. I feel a sort of void in my life right now; I have no problems financially whatsoever, no problems physically, but yet, I feel like I should be there now. I have a feeling that the second I get there, I will probably pack up everything and live there for some time. It would be quite an tremendous feeling to wake up in my flat, walk outside amongst Londoners, and interact with the culture there. Hell, "she" might be there waiting for me as well.

Lust For Life

I never expected to ever move to Los Angeles; I remember two years ago in college in Maryland and damning the southern portion of my home-state for the few materialistic people I met on campus. I moved here in July, and I have now been here five months. The first few months I was here, I was in awe of how "cool" it was. In the past two months, I realized how all of this Hollywood bullshit can literally drain you. I have come to grips in the past two months that I truly cannot be happy here; I will say that being here has been an experience that I definitely needed.

I remember in college I had the sense of pride and consciousness for life and learning more about the world at large (one of my favorite phrases back then). I remember I used to sit and write journal entries, essays, blogs, manifestos, and poems, and get that sense of excitement and lust for life. I must say that in the past two years, I have not been writing hardly as much as I used to. I found myself going back to reading some of my old entries from years past and seeing the kind of man I was in 2006 and 2007. I miss that person. Somewhere along the way, I let this music business that I have ventured into tarnish my one true God-given gift, my writing ability. I let the bullshit of going out on drunken nights to $5 dollar bill shows amongst the drunks and whores blind me from my one truth medium that speaks through me completely, my writing. I let the arrogance of being behind a simple velvet rope in VIP watching my clientele and even other musical artists perform outshine the one true burning desire that is within me, my writing.

I will continue to put up blogs with music, but from now on, I will go back to my original format for creating this blog in the first place. I will go back to using this blog as my journal; I will revert back to using this website as a place for my pains, anguish, joy, and happiness of my 25-year-old life. I am coming back into the sense of my true self.

God, I'm still so thanksful

In All Seriousness...

I'm serious when I say this:

1) I would rather stay home than go out nowadays.
2) I'd rather be alone than be around people.
3) I cannot stand people that cannot say what bothers them iniatially.
4) I used to write everyday; I cannot remember the last time I wrote anything.
5) I am never satisfied.
6) I am not attracted to typical females (make-up, provocative clothing, etc.)
7) I wish that I could have gotten to know my Uncle Roger more before he was killed by a drunk driver earlier this year.
8) Most times when I am sad, I don't cry.
9) I have never cried harder than the pain I felt when I heard my mother say, "Uncle Roger got killed."
10) I grew up without a silver spoon in my mouth and I wouldn't have it any other way.
11) I feel like there's only 4 women in my life that would never let me down (my mom, both grandmothers, and my Untie Kim).
12) I started this note off to express some harsh thoughts I have, but now, I feel incredible to express these personal elements with whomever is reading this right now.
13) God, IM so thankful!

Foundation Is Built.

People! Let's look at all of the recent developments of shit that has occurred in the past year since I came back from college. Internship with Zion-I...first article published...moved into my own place...established uNCovered 3rd as a public relations firm...began getting published every other week...Spin Mag...HipHopRemix.com...HipHopDX.com...SF Weekly...etc. I have done a lot of shit in the past year professionally. But, finishing college was not one of those things that was on my mind as importantly as my other endeavors. Buckling down and finishing this long ass haul of crap they like to call "college" is something I have realized to be truly important to my mother more or less than it has been to me. She's busted her ass working at this 9 to 5 plantation job for the past 20 years to get me into college just to see me walk across that stage with a degree in my hand. I need to finish this crap more or less for her.

I have met a lot of people through networking throughout the music business I have engaged myself into. I have had many doors open for me in the past year, and some I have been reluctant to open based on experience. I am gaining more and more experience through uNCovered 3rd as a business through working and doing projects for HipHopRemix.com, Connoisseur533.com, and a numerous amount of artists that I have interviewed over the past few months. I have been published over 50 times since January, and I only plan to gain more publishing of my articles, manifestos, and interviews over the next few months as well. We are gearing to make a big difference in the way public relations is done in the music business over the next year. I have recently picked up another client to add to the clientèle list that is slated to perform at the MTV Video Music Awards in a few months. Things are looking up.

Just remember...we're buildin.

Play list on Random and An Imagination

I am sitting here on this couch writing and even typing away at these keys hoping and wishing for something inspiring to hop into my mind to be spilled onto this blog, but nothing seems to be coming to mind. As "Knife Prty" by the Deftones plays, I am still finding myself flow into this writing navigated by the tempo of the percussion and guitars whaling throughout the remainder of the song.

I could float here forever...We're all anemic.
-Deftones

Chino Moreno has become one of my favorite rock vocalists for the simple fact is this guy can actually sing his ass off unlike most American front men of rock bands. What I have been noticing in the rock scene (music scene in general) is that the demand for a person with a great and original voice is not an antecedence like it was in previous decades.

Dieselboy is a drum and bass DJ based out of Atlanta, Georgia; his music that he has produced has engrossed me deeper into the drum and bass genre. Drum and bass being one of the many immense sub-genres of the electronic music category within itself has grown on me more infectiously than I ever could imagine that any kind of music with electro elements could.

This blog was basically just something that I wrote with no since of direction but that of the music in my play list playing at this current time.

Take care.

A Simple Writing

I am here sitting with this laptop on my lap tonight on this Friday watching my pirated copy of "300" playing on the television in the background completely bored. I have realized, well...I have had more of a "coming of age" lesson today. I have attained this meaning of human survival for one's feelings from an acquaintance of mine. It's not everyday that you get the opportunity to learn these little life lessons from the closest individuals to you (or so you may think). Neithertheless, I still sit here at this laptop typing away at the feelings of resentment and chagrin from a somewhat of a "friend." The quotes around the word "friend" for this person isn't and should not and shall not be considered a friend anymore. This person...well...I could easily say their name, but I am choosing not to be so malicious in my ways has no idea how close they were to coming a little closer to me.

But, as most of the other skeltons in the closet, she will probably fail and fall by the wayside as her predecessors was done before her. Why am I not even surprised? But, what can you do when a person doesn't see the things in you that you have seen within them? Do you just get up and walk out of the door of their life, or do you try to be a better friend than they were to you? I shall not consider you a "friend" anymore; you were never a friend of mine in the first place.

On a lighter note, I hope that everyone enjoys this weekend as I will. Tonight is chapter anew; goodbye for now.

...I write bombs with ink blots...(Freestyle Numero Vingt-Neuf) 28

Sometimes I sit at this desk and I have nothing to write about at the time of my writing's conception, but it is almost instantaneously that a topic seems to pop into my mind when I began to type. I am going to consider this blog a freestyle; there will be no formal structure to this writing. Sometimes, writing exercises such as this help to shape a writer's imagination and thinking process for their future writings. I was taught that writing freestyle everything that comes to your mind at the time was a great way to bring out everything that you wanted to say for the past couple of days that just didn't seem to come out in words or even text. When you write something that is extremely formal, you have to make sure that you are writing something that is ultimately perfect and flawless as can be. When a person writes something formally, they stop to think of what they should and shouldn't write. Writer restricts themselves when they write formal things such as articles, essay, etc.

Other than writing these blogs about two to three times a week on average, I also keep a notebook of poems and a journal that I write in quite frequently. Generally when I write my blogs, I try to think out a topic to write about that will make sense to most people, but when I write in my journal and book of poems, I could careless if I have misspellings or poor grammar. I guess this will be considered the first time that I published one of my blogs without any particular format or even a structure. Oh, well!

I will be back at home in California for good on the 18th of this month! Thank God! I haven't seen a palm tree or a beach since January! More importantly, I haven't seen any of my friends or family since January! But, with the grace of God, I pray that I will at least get to see all of them at least one more time.

Oh, yeah! I'm not coming back to this college; I'm transferring to Menlo College back home in the Bay Area in California!

She's a sexy little goddess, fashionably modest...
-Atmosphere

There are many reasons why it is hard for me to trust anyone. Even with the people in my family, I give them "half-assed" trust (if you know what I mean). It's always been a struggle for me to trust anyone (especially family) after realizing at the age of seventeen that the unthinkable can definitely become a reality with some of your closest people in your life. I have learned that I can trust only two people in my life: God and myself.

The only trust you have at the end of the day is within yourself and your God. You can not trust that any other human being will be there for you at your weakest state of mind or body. It's an act of self-preservation. It's hard not to take it personally; it's in our genetics to preserve one's self before others. There are particular individuals that will put another above their self in certain aspects or events through the train wreck of life, but in times of integral importance, they will put their self before anyone else.

In the beds we lay at night waiting to fall asleep alone; we all wish that we had another human being that we could put our imperforate trust in. But, it's not possible.